Such peculiar days we've been having. The cold creeps under the covers and wakes you before you're ready. Suddenly, I remember I have much to do, much to do, but I don't want to, don't want to. Speaking in double dutch makes me feel like there's poems alive in my voice...and feels a bit like the subtle sway back and forth that you feel while sitting on the skytrain. Much to do, much to do, don't want to, don't want to.
The semesters nearing an end. I'm glad. Not because I don't enjoy learning, but my brain feels like it's been filled with teddy bear stuffing and been packed so tight, there's no room to even sort through the thoughts inside nevermind any new one's that might come along.
I find myself staring catatonic at a far object with nothing taking place behind my eyes. Just a vacancy.
My philosophy teacher proved last class that God and the afterlife do not exist. Physical completeness does not allow purposes to be fundamental parts of reality, he said. The intermingling of the natural sciences--physics, biology, chemistry--the laws and forces they impose on us as human beings...leave no room for the metaphysical. God, afterlife, kharma, the paranormal...they're all irrational and cannot be logically explained in terms of science.
Easy enough for some to say, "So what?" and truly not care.
Easy enough for some to say, "So, that proves nothing." and truly think it doesn't.
And I want to be on your side if that is in fact what you say. But I can't. I need concrete. I can't be so dismissive. He is a rational, smart, compassionate man. He seems as saddened by his theory as my own soul. If it was easy to disprove, he's tell us and show us because he is not some messiah of science come to rob us of hope. But, he can't. It's bleak.
So, I pose a question. "What of external world skepticism?" Meaning, of course, say the world we live in and all its laws are an illusion. How do we honestly know it's not? We don't, obviously. There's no way of knowing. If this world we live in is an illusion, then maybe there's an external world where a God does exist! According to the laws and forces of THAT world! Then physical completeness in our world is of no bearing at all.
Never did I predict that I'd one day hope and pray my world was an illusion, everything I love and believe in was fake and that there was an alternate dimension where a supreme being is pulling the strings.
Ay me, I feel a bit like Simone de Beauvoir when her lover died. No hope. Just a cold acceptance. I hope it passes soon, like the cold air creeping under my quilt.
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